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What People Do in the Privacy of Public

by Sylvia Haynes

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1.
My T.V. is speaking to me, it's telling me I'm not me I'm telling you I can't speak, someone please release me My T.V. is speaking to me, it's telling me I'm not me I rip open skin, but I'm telling you I don't bleed I drew diagrams I drew lifeless pictures of my body I made movies I made silent films of myself Compress the pounding, the howling becomes teeth Speak under my decrepit underneath "This will never be art" "This will never be ours" I drew diagrams I drew lifeless pictures of my body I made movies I made silent films of myself
2.
Now, fear feels safe, and Fear comes in a bag, and Fear is a belt that was worn by your dad And you outta know it, yeah You should have known What you were doing when we were alone And you outta know it, yeah You should have known What you were doing what I now own Now hold the terror up Up to my eye Or shove it down my throat before I say goodbye Give me every rose you’ve stolen Give me back the will to sleep Hi Mom! I’ve been sewing, self-made stigmata Closing my wounds, closing my wounds I’ve been gnawing a tongue that is rotten But I don’t know whose, but I don’t know whose Well, who’s asking the questions around here, anyways? Who's asking me how I spend all my days? Who’s asking me who, and what I am? Its surely not me, I just want to understand. I just want to understand Please, just help me understand Drill into my skull Pull out the world Drill into my skull Get a mouthful My bitter soul will not be yours to take I told you: “too much rope, too much dope” All I could say: “too much rope, too much dope”
3.
She asked me if I wanted to be used I said “yes, I do, but only by you” She told me I looked easily bruised, Easily cracked, and broken in two Now I am full of The Heavy Empty Emasculate me, make me feel whole Fill the hole in my metaphor Eat me alive on the kitchen floor Let flowers bloom from the blood and gore Palpitating organ tissue Scalpel intended for my misuse Make me more than I'm used to Make it so I’ll always miss you Make it so I’ll never miss you Make it so I don’t care whats true Make it so I can only be you Make it so I’ll never feel you Make it so I don’t care whats true Now I am full of The Heavy Empty A burning hollow space within me A chalice brimming with a barren sea I must find something within myself Find something beyond help Find the way that feeling felt Find a map was written in welts A map to your home A mask for my gloaming A map to the sunrise A cask full of mourning Now I am full of The Heavy Empty A burning hollow space within me A chalice brimming with a barren sea Now I am full of the words I swallowed Plans I made, but never followed, Things I told myself I had to believe Believe in something within myself Believe I wasn’t beyond help Believe I knew how feeling felt Believe a map was written in welts Believe in you and not in me Now I am full of The Heavy Empty
4.
I can see it I can taste it I can feel it I remember the road I remember I forget my own name The portrait they made My punishment for having a face My punishment recreated on a stage This is what people do in the privacy of public How much of your own shame can you stomach? How much of your trauma makes you lovesick? Where in your body is the bottomless pit? Unreal: a movie Film Fear Fuck Fill my mouth with salt Out Slice the script from my tongue The camera is a cracked glass on the floor My blood on the door, racing to the bathroom Not enough room, I’m shaking like an accident Like a child you didn’t want Like a child that gave you cancer Cancer I am cancer I am the tar in your routine The tar in your teeth The one thing That makes you weak This is what people do in the privacy of public How much of your own shame can you stomach? How much of your trauma makes you lovesick? Where in your body is the bottomless pit? This is what people do in the privacy of public
5.
I'm going to ask you something, And I think you know that right now I need you to answer me as honestly As you can Do you trust me? I mean, can I trust you? Either way We have to trust each other, We need to be able to. It’s quiet again I wonder if the others can still see Or taste Or walk Or think Do you think it can eat? Do you think it has teeth? Why are we naked? Did we start out this way? I remember having clothes on When I went to sleep Was I naked when you met me? You know I’ve never Never seen you naked? Have I? Do you think it can breathe? Do you think it can dream? Are we just a part of it’s dream, or Our own waking nightmare? You know I’ve never Seen you naked. There is no room to move In these cold, endless woods This is claustrophobia Culling curiosities Does this end internal geography? Why are you looking at me like that? Why are you looking at me like that? Stop looking at me like that Stop looking at me like I’m naked. Stop looking at me like I have teeth This is not my dream, This is something you will Never believe Stop looking at me like I'm naked. The silent screaming The bleeding repeating My ears always ringing But it is silent in this room And now a hand is reaching Into my empty chest It grasps at absence It will not let me rest I pace in circles and circles And circles and circles, Repeating: “redundant” I need to stop pretending That this is all pretend I need to see the sun rise I need to knows this ends
6.
I heard a voice say “it’s a cold night” I heard a thud on the bed I heard a voice say “knife” I couldn’t hear my own voice in my head The drain is clogged with my vomit I stood on splinters gladly I made a funeral without meat I stayed sober while I was dancing I stared blankly at the street The drain is clogged with my hair “Gut me like a fish", repeated. "Repeating a wish", repeated. Each night it gets worse The silence sounds like remorse The day is punishment For gazing upon the flesh Crawling Climbing Falling Fighting Begging I refuse to beg any longer My weakness will make me stronger I’ll survive on the salt of my tears I refuse to give into fear I refuse to give in I give in Gun to the temple Body is a temple Gun to the temple Body is a gun My body is a weapon
7.
The Ceremony 03:56
Your memory claws at my soul as I am torn to pieces And I bleed out cold in a noose that never releases Gnashing her tongue to a pulp and spitting it into my mouth As if it were venom designed to keep me alive And what you have done will be forgotten Watching Waiting To become holy Writhing Naked A ceremony I stared out my windshield a little bit longer today I left the engine running I thought about nothing
8.
I shot a fake gun into the mirror I got a taste of what id been dishing out I locked my jaw around my own fingers I got a taste of a coward’s doubt Fought my reflection for too many years Fought just to get to being worn out So, Damnit to hell, I will fix gods errors Damnit to hell, I will live this life I will name myself after my sins I will name myself with a new language I will build myself a new body I will build myself my own city One way or the other, I will be killed Cut my throat with my medical bills A seizure while I’m being told to hold still Always laughing when my blood is spilled I will name myself after my sins I will name myself with a new language I will build myself a new body I will build myself my own city I won’t let you die how I died I won’t let you lose my mind You can give it away if thats what you need You can give away all memory of me
9.
Out of sight, out of mind I’ve let it happen the one-hundredth time If it does not cause me pain, it is useless When you fear it, you will attempt to numb it The pain surrounds my existence, is all that keeping me alive If I fear it I will numb it. If I try to numb that pain, I will kill myself The pain surrounds my existence, is all that keeping me alive I have opened myself up I have looked inside I have seen it I have seen I have seen inside of myself I have seen it I have seen what goes on in me I have seen it I have seen what does not I have not I have seen the nothing inside of me I have seen the nothing I have torn it out I have ripped out the nothing I have eaten it I have eaten I made it bleed while I chewed I imagined the color was the color of your blood I imagined that I could still bleed without you I imagined that I was eating something I realized it was nothing I put it back I sewed myself shut alone I closed myself I have stayed this way I will stay this way I have stayed this way I am this way I am not sure who I
10.

credits

released May 27, 2020

music & lyrics by Sylvia Haynes except where noted

drums & bass on track 6 by Michael Badillo & Sylvia Haynes

base samples for track 7 provided by Aoife Gillooly (Scyphozoan)

mixed by Sylvia Haynes (2, 4, 5, 7-10), Joni Elfers (3), & Ryan Howe (1, 6) (@mozartst)

mastered by Joni Elfers (@earthsongsrecordings)

cover artwork by an unknown realtor

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all rights reserved

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about

Sylvia Haynes New Jersey

a musician trying to score a film larger than she can comprehend.

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primarily home recordings.

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Kentucky Wonder Records
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