Get all 19 Sylvia Haynes releases available on Bandcamp and save 50%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of A Man Made Lake, CANCERMOTHERSLEEP, FIRE: ACT I, Stanley, FIRE: ACT II, The Big City., Sometimes We Warfare Mountains, DOMESTIC, and 11 more.
1. |
||||
My T.V. is speaking to me, it's telling me I'm not me
I'm telling you I can't speak, someone please release me
My T.V. is speaking to me, it's telling me I'm not me
I rip open skin, but I'm telling you I don't bleed
I drew diagrams
I drew lifeless pictures of my body
I made movies
I made silent films of myself
Compress the pounding, the howling becomes teeth
Speak under my decrepit underneath
"This will never be art"
"This will never be ours"
I drew diagrams
I drew lifeless pictures of my body
I made movies
I made silent films of myself
|
||||
2. |
Too Much Rope
03:12
|
|||
Now, fear feels safe, and
Fear comes in a bag, and
Fear is a belt that was worn by your dad
And you outta know it, yeah
You should have known
What you were doing when we were alone
And you outta know it, yeah
You should have known
What you were doing what I now own
Now hold the terror up
Up to my eye
Or shove it down my throat before I say goodbye
Give me every rose you’ve stolen
Give me back the will to sleep
Hi Mom!
I’ve been sewing, self-made stigmata
Closing my wounds, closing my wounds
I’ve been gnawing a tongue that is rotten
But I don’t know whose, but I don’t know whose
Well, who’s asking the questions around here, anyways?
Who's asking me how I spend all my days?
Who’s asking me who, and what I am?
Its surely not me, I just want to understand.
I just want to understand
Please, just help me understand
Drill into my skull
Pull out the world
Drill into my skull
Get a mouthful
My bitter soul will not be yours to take
I told you:
“too much rope, too much dope”
All I could say:
“too much rope, too much dope”
|
||||
3. |
The Heavy Empty
04:50
|
|||
She asked me if I wanted to be used
I said “yes, I do, but only by you”
She told me I looked easily bruised,
Easily cracked, and broken in two
Now I am full of The Heavy Empty
Emasculate me, make me feel whole
Fill the hole in my metaphor
Eat me alive on the kitchen floor
Let flowers bloom from the blood and gore
Palpitating organ tissue
Scalpel intended for my misuse
Make me more than I'm used to
Make it so I’ll always miss you
Make it so I’ll never miss you
Make it so I don’t care whats true
Make it so I can only be you
Make it so I’ll never feel you
Make it so I don’t care whats true
Now I am full of The Heavy Empty
A burning hollow space within me
A chalice brimming with a barren sea
I must find something within myself
Find something beyond help
Find the way that feeling felt
Find a map was written in welts
A map to your home
A mask for my gloaming
A map to the sunrise
A cask full of mourning
Now I am full of The Heavy Empty
A burning hollow space within me
A chalice brimming with a barren sea
Now I am full of the words I swallowed
Plans I made, but never followed,
Things I told myself I had to believe
Believe in something within myself
Believe I wasn’t beyond help
Believe I knew how feeling felt
Believe a map was written in welts
Believe in you and not in me
Now I am full of The Heavy Empty
|
||||
4. |
||||
I can see it
I can taste it
I can feel it
I remember the road
I remember
I forget my own name
The portrait they made
My punishment for having a face
My punishment recreated on a stage
This is what people do in the privacy of public
How much of your own shame can you stomach?
How much of your trauma makes you lovesick?
Where in your body is the bottomless pit?
Unreal: a movie
Film Fear Fuck
Fill my mouth with salt
Out
Slice the script from my tongue
The camera is a cracked glass on the floor
My blood on the door, racing to the bathroom
Not enough room, I’m shaking like an accident
Like a child you didn’t want
Like a child that gave you cancer
Cancer
I am cancer
I am the tar in your routine
The tar in your teeth
The one thing
That makes you weak
This is what people do in the privacy of public
How much of your own shame can you stomach?
How much of your trauma makes you lovesick?
Where in your body is the bottomless pit?
This is what people do in the privacy of public
|
||||
5. |
A Long Winter
07:06
|
|||
I'm going to ask you something,
And I think you know that right now
I need you to answer me as honestly
As you can
Do you trust me?
I mean, can I trust you?
Either way
We have to trust each other,
We need to be able to.
It’s quiet again
I wonder if the others can still see
Or taste
Or walk
Or think
Do you think it can eat?
Do you think it has teeth?
Why are we naked?
Did we start out this way?
I remember having clothes on
When I went to sleep
Was I naked when you met me?
You know
I’ve never
Never seen you naked?
Have I?
Do you think it can breathe?
Do you think it can dream?
Are we just a part of it’s dream, or
Our own waking nightmare?
You know
I’ve never
Seen you naked.
There is no room to move
In these cold, endless woods
This is claustrophobia
Culling curiosities
Does this end internal geography?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Stop looking at me like that
Stop looking at me like I’m naked.
Stop looking at me like I have teeth
This is not my dream,
This is something you will
Never believe
Stop looking at me like I'm naked.
The silent screaming
The bleeding repeating
My ears always ringing
But it is silent in this room
And now a hand is reaching
Into my empty chest
It grasps at absence
It will not let me rest
I pace in circles and circles
And circles and circles,
Repeating: “redundant”
I need to stop pretending
That this is all pretend
I need to see the sun rise
I need to knows this ends
|
||||
6. |
Pictures of Guns
06:24
|
|||
I heard a voice say “it’s a cold night”
I heard a thud on the bed
I heard a voice say “knife”
I couldn’t hear my own voice in my head
The drain is clogged with my vomit
I stood on splinters gladly
I made a funeral without meat
I stayed sober while I was dancing
I stared blankly at the street
The drain is clogged with my hair
“Gut me like a fish", repeated.
"Repeating a wish", repeated.
Each night it gets worse
The silence sounds like remorse
The day is punishment
For gazing upon the flesh
Crawling
Climbing
Falling
Fighting
Begging
I refuse to beg any longer
My weakness will make me stronger
I’ll survive on the salt of my tears
I refuse to give into fear
I refuse to give in
I give in
Gun to the temple
Body is a temple
Gun to the temple
Body is a gun
My body is a weapon
|
||||
7. |
The Ceremony
03:56
|
|||
Your memory claws at my soul as I am torn to pieces
And I bleed out cold in a noose that never releases
Gnashing her tongue to a pulp and spitting it into my mouth
As if it were venom designed to keep me alive
And what you have done will be forgotten
Watching
Waiting
To become holy
Writhing
Naked
A ceremony
I stared out my windshield a little bit longer today
I left the engine running
I thought about nothing
|
||||
8. |
Hospital Bills
03:21
|
|||
I shot a fake gun into the mirror
I got a taste of what id been dishing out
I locked my jaw around my own fingers
I got a taste of a coward’s doubt
Fought my reflection for too many years
Fought just to get to being worn out
So, Damnit to hell,
I will fix gods errors
Damnit to hell,
I will live this life
I will name myself after my sins
I will name myself with a new language
I will build myself a new body
I will build myself my own city
One way or the other, I will be killed
Cut my throat with my medical bills
A seizure while I’m being told to hold still
Always laughing when my blood is spilled
I will name myself after my sins
I will name myself with a new language
I will build myself a new body
I will build myself my own city
I won’t let you die how I died
I won’t let you lose my mind
You can give it away if thats what you need
You can give away all memory of me
|
||||
9. |
To Serve a Purpose
05:34
|
|||
Out of sight, out of mind
I’ve let it happen the one-hundredth time
If it does not cause me pain, it is useless
When you fear it, you will attempt to numb it
The pain surrounds my existence, is all that keeping me alive
If I fear it I will numb it.
If I try to numb that pain, I will kill myself
The pain surrounds my existence, is all that keeping me alive
I have opened myself up
I have looked inside
I have seen it
I have seen
I have seen inside of myself
I have seen it
I have seen what goes on in me
I have seen it
I have seen what does not
I have not
I have seen the nothing inside of me
I have seen the nothing
I have torn it out
I have ripped out the nothing
I have eaten it
I have eaten
I made it bleed while I chewed
I imagined the color was the color of your blood
I imagined that I could still bleed without you
I imagined that I was eating something
I realized it was nothing
I put it back
I sewed myself shut alone
I closed myself
I have stayed this way
I will stay this way
I have stayed this way
I am this way
I am not sure who I
|
||||
10. |
Sylvia Haynes New Jersey
a musician trying to score a film larger than she can comprehend.
/////////////////////
primarily home recordings.
/////////////////
Kentucky Wonder Records
... more
Streaming and Download help
If you like Sylvia Haynes, you may also like:
Bandcamp Daily your guide to the world of Bandcamp